have you ever attached a song into some situation and it turns out to be the worst memories you've ever had?
not guilt, not sadness, just pure shame and embarrassment that sometimes push you into thinking shit like 'god fucking damn it, how could i ever did that ???' because yeah, i did that too sometimes. its either: i hate the song so bad i had a physical reaction to slam my forehead into the nearest hard platform or i calmly scratch my arms as the lyrics pricks my body over and over.
(acupuncture. have you ever did that to your body? i dont. i didnt have the urge to let people stab me several times with thin needles. i never think about that at all.)
the physical reactions do helps a lot. its like a non-existing needles to me. i did have a lot of mental note to not listen to that thing again, then i forgot about it until the music app shuffles the damn song again. sometimes it shuffles at the worst time ever, for example, when im outside walking through my neighborhood as i kick poor small stones with no regret. it feels like a background music at a certain times where the main protagonist realized they have to kill a big ass red scaly dragon with bare hands.
does the genre helps? no. i'd be listening to some random ass music and the memories never match with it. i wonder if that is a common situation for everyone who always shoves their earphone every single time they went outside like me. here comes a happy, beautifully arranged song with good intentions and lyrics only for me to destroy it as i glued someone's face into the front cover.
im glad that i have a shitty capability to remember because i turn into a damn goldfish whenever someone asks me about something and that situation also applies to me. who the hell did i remember and why cant i picture them better without the blurry filters inside my head? i dont know, no one could bother me to remember about it either. im safe and i'll allow it to bother me next time if i had the chance to ruin my day with it.
if i do allow whatever comes to my mind and i have the ability to reject it, then why the hell did i chose to type this whole paragraph about it? because some of the songs do attach. its not that i purposely listen to the same playlist over and over again as i try to dug the soil to search whatever time capsule i had buried inside.
it feels like that one archeology-looking-ass toy where we have to pour water as we scratch the chalk-textured shaped thing in order to find a small bone that belongs to some dinosaur with hard name to spell. sometimes i dont get it. why would you create that toy? sensory? curiosity? even better, making money by selling nonedible thing? well now the curiosity got the dinosaur's bones. its not the god damn big meteor anymore.
i need to go outside. i think the biggest factor of this ability to forget is that i often interact with it and it helps a lot for me to purposely forget about it. consume enough identical thing in order for your body to be comfortable with it as you forget your first plan because now you're used to it. similiarity often comes with a consequences where you cant see the difference between what's new and what's old.
maybe you could sense it, maybe you could notice it at the first glance, or maybe you're too tired to open your eyelids to see, and now you have no choice other than eat it whole so you could go back to sleep as you wait for the reaction growing inside your mind to remind you of how terrible your skill to survive are. i thought you want to stay alive and go somewhere else with your friends?
uma thurman by fall out boy reminds me of how fragile i am back then in elementary school where you still had that blackberry messenger feature that automatically refresh and update whatever your ears listens to at the same time. i dont know who the hell is uma thurman because all i know is: this is a very good song and i love the guitar part so much i had to stop squealing.
the happiness infuriates me at the same time since no one in my class knew about this song. im not trying to be a quirky little girl back then, i dont have the plan to be that person who i despise so much, so im not telling anyone about what i like and what i love.
sometimes it leads me up to a disappointment where other people could say things about it and im not prepared enough to accept the reality that: no one actually likes this thing you like. it feels like someone gently rubs salt on my wound as i screech like a wendigo.
i remember this situation where me and my colleagues are hanging out in some villa and they play music by the television. i want to join. i want to share what i like and i hope people knew so we could talk about it, share our opinions, and hopefully we could be close friends after finding out our similiar taste.
spoiler alert: it does not end well. i tried to play amy winehouse, bruno mars, and other musician that releases a song in that year so i could find a ground to stand on and share what i like about this song or the musician. no matter how hard i tried, it doesnt end well. no one had the same reaction like mine, no one bother to see or ask.
my hope slowly crumbles like a fucking fragile biscuits after someone's accidentally sat on it for hours. thank the god and the angels and whatever they got up there, someone finally decided to sat next to me and gently pat my thigh as their mouth stitching words that stays inside my head until this day:
"lets play another song," as they slowly taking away the tv remote from my hand. SHIT.
im glad that this person decided to speak up rather than letting me stressfully choose and thinking about which musician should i play to impress people more because it will embarrass me more and more as no one will see me. they saved me from myself as i dug out my own grave and its so fucking embarrassing for me.
i should have realize that i need to crack myself open and make it wider in order to let people see whatever is inside me, but that also hurts me more and it feels like im boiling myself alive. at least they remind me as gentle as they could and i appreciate them so much. even though it still stings to me in a really big way.
'may nothing but death do us part.' that is really big. that is very progressive for me as an eleven years old, so i kept listening to it over and over until i remember how peak it is for me to understand and found the song at that time. it feels like my own cocoon as i shield myself from whatever is happening on the real world. if i could remember about it correctly, i think the only era of myself that maybe i should kill as i realized how ugly and annoying i am is the elementary school era.
i dont think i want to elaborate more about it, but american beauty/american psycho album is amazing. it felt like i've found an unlimited big stash of cigarettes. come to think of it, the album itself is a national treasure. i could name several songs that you might know from that year because novocaine, uma thurman, centuries, irresistible, and what? the fucking immortals? that one big hero 6 song? you've got to be kidding me if you claim that you've never heard of those songs i've listed.
you're a fucking liar, sick, and despicable person if you never listen to immortals. one fun fact about big hero 6 that i've just found out earlier this month is that when you play the british/uk version of the movie, you could hear dan and phil voices because they do voiced those scientist. yep. yep. this is unknown to me because i never watch that version, but i think you need to know in case you want to move to europe and watch the movie there.
you never know, because people might just stare at it and shrug like nothing happens. not for my aunt though. she once asked me about the song and the reason why i keep listening to that shit. the second i press play button and the awful tunes started to play, she immediately told me to pause that thing off. i cant talk nor react very well because, in my defense, she hasnt listen the guitar part that i love so much or that 'death do us part' part (hahaha get it?)
i mean even if she doesnt like the song or the band but very curious on why fall out boy titled it as uma thurman, she could have googled it up and read the whole thing before ask me to play it out. hell, you could open up youtube and blast the shit off!
i cant fucking stand it anymore. sometimes i wonder why people bother to ask before they did it by themselves first in this context. i mean, i think it would be better for them to search it up and do some small research so they could ask whatever questions they got left about that thing to someone who they knew loved it, also it will create a good tension between both of you to talk or discuss about it better.
any small efforts will be very much appreciated rather than asking out of nowhere to make me talk and chose to shut the whole conversation up before i even get the chance to explain myself. do you want me to talk or not?
anyway, that is all. i hope whatever i typed here make sense to you as a reader. music is a flexible and abstract thing to me where you could put anything and everything and its up to you on how you interpret it or use it as a weapon to save or kill someone mentally. i genuinely want to be a musician one day, if i could. oh well, whatever.